Be A Family: News

By Jenny Pope

Tina Gay and Sarah Woody are best friends. They linger over coffee at Starbucks, make weekly phone calls to relive the drama of their favorite TV show or discuss the frustrations of teaching, and they’re even training together for a marathon. They have a lot in common, too. They’re vivacious and opinionated, hard-headed and full of energy.

But more important than any common interests, they love the same children—Ruthie, 4 and Garrett, 3—as their very own. And in a way, they are.

That’s because Sarah is not only Tina’s best friend, but Ruthie’s birth mom. Sarah placed Ruthie for adoption through Buckner Adoption and Maternity Services at the age of 17, a difficult decision she made with more maturity than most adults. It was a decision that changed her life, and the lives of many others, forever.

But as close as she and Tina are today, their relationship wasn’t always so natural, or so friendly.

Sarah was a freshman in college when she discovered she was pregnant. With an ex-boyfriend out of the picture, she kept her secret for more than two weeks before sharing the news with a co-worker, who in turn suggested she look into adoption. At first Sarah was adamantly against it, but then she started thinking.

“I don’t know why, but the first thing I thought of was Disneyworld,” Sarah said. “It was just one of those things. My mom took me to Disney World every four years, and I could never take her. Why should her life suffer? My life hasn’t, why should hers. She deserved to have every opportunity and then some. And most of all, I wanted her to have a dad. I grew up without a dad, and I wasn’t going to do that to her.”

After speaking with her mother and outlining the realities of her situation, Sarah decided to look into open adoption with Buckner.

Meanwhile, Tina and Lain Gay were near completion of their home study through Buckner and desperate to adopt after struggling with infertility for three and a half years. When Sarah first read their profile, she knew immediately that they were the family for her.

“It just felt right,” Sarah said, recalling her first phone call with the couple “It was easy to talk to them, and for the first time I think I felt like I was a normal person and I wasn’t the pregnant teenager. We were very open and honest, even from that first phone call.”

“I don’t think I realized how open we would be until we met Sarah,” Tina said, acknowledging that she was skeptical of open adoption in the beginning. “But the more we got to know her, the more I could see that she could be somebody who is involved with our child’s life.”

“They really grasped the concept that I wasn’t doing this because I didn’t love Ruthie, and I wasn’t doing this because I didn’t want to be a parent. I really did this because it was the best thing for her, and they understood that from the beginning. And they told me they would support me 100 percent,” Sarah said.

They spent three weeks getting to know each other leading up to the day of Ruthie’s birth, a day they remember as being filled with overwhelming joy and sorrow.

“[After Ruthie was born,] I didn’t talk to anybody,” Sarah said. “I kicked my doctors out and my nurses out, and I just sat there with her in my arms. We took pictures, I held her, I changed her, I watched her, and we slept.”

But Tina, anxious to spend time with Ruthie, took Sarah’s silence as a bad sign, and thought she decided not to place Ruthie for adoption.

“We saw her come out, being rolled in a wheelchair, and she was cold as ice. She didn’t say two words to us. I remember sitting down in the hallway and bawling. I thought, ‘Oh my gosh, she’s changed her mind.’”

Tina sat on the couch for the next two days, the worst days of her life, speaking to no one and waiting for Sarah to call. She thought it was all over. Three days after Ruthie’s birth, Tina and Lain drove to Sarah’s house for the scheduled adoption placement ceremony, praying things would go smoothly.

“When we went into the house,” Tina recalled, “Sarah was hiding with her mother in the back, and I was in the bathroom bawling before it started. What’s supposed to be the greatest day of your life—when you get your child—was full of mixed emotions. I was so upset leading up to the ceremony, thinking she changed her mind. Then I see her in the bedroom, dying, holding Ruthie and clutching on for dear life.”

The ceremony went through as expected, and the Gays took Ruthie home. But rocky times lay ahead for this family—and especially for Sarah.

Finding Their Place

For months following the placement ceremony, Sarah reacted the way many birth mothers do. Unwilling to take out her rage on the adoptive family or the few people who stuck around to support her, she was determined to only hurt herself.

“My hormones were going through the roof. I was 18 years old and in one fatal swoop I lost this child that I carried, I lost every friend except one, I lost a boyfriend, I lost the father of my first child, I lost the trust of my mother. I lost everything. I was miserable.”

Much of Sarah’s misery was transferred onto Tina, who for months described their relationship as “strained.”

“I’m one of those people who takes on other people’s emotions. Lain was trying to take care of Ruthie and I was trying to take care of Sarah. I turned into more of a counselor than an adoptive mother. Emotionally, I just couldn’t take care of a child and take care of Sarah, too.”

About six months after Ruthie’s birth, on top of all the pain and the relationship stresses, Tina and Lain found out some unexpected news—Tina was pregnant.

“We weren’t trying at all. It was a complete shock,” Tina said. “I was so nervous, but I knew I had to drop the bomb on Sarah.”

“The timing of everything was crazy,” Sarah said. “I was so upset about it. But it made me realize something. If they could have had Garrett six months ago, they wouldn’t have adopted Ruthie. Suddenly I realized that there is a reason for everything—there is a reason why they adopted Ruthie and there is a reason why this is happening the way it is. From that point on, I knew I would be okay.”

Tina said that her pregnancy, surprisingly, brought her closer to Sarah because it helped them relate to each other in a new way. And Sarah said that the timing of Garrett’s birth helped her trust God in a way she never knew before. Their strained relationship soon became a budding friendship.

“I think once Sarah saw Ruthie and Garrett interacting together, she realized that it was meant to be,” Tina said. “She treats them equally and she loves on them both, and if she brings something for one she brings something for the other.”

“Garrett is awesome,” Sarah said, fighting back tears. “I didn’t think I would ever love him as much as I do. I didn’t think I would even like him. But he is my angel; the two of them really saved my life.

“It’s such a source of pride in this family that they adopted, that Ruthie is adopted,” Sarah continued. “She brags about it, and then Garrett will go and fight with her about whose birth mom I am. I wish that there were more birth moms out there who realized that it doesn’t have to be something that you’re ashamed of forever, and it doesn’t have to be your secret. I’m the best birth mom I can be, and that’s all that I can do.”

Tina and Lain watched Sarah’s transformation throughout the years, and they credit Buckner’s counseling and Sarah’s commitment to Ruthie as helping her overcome the anger and pain.

“We’ve seen her grow up a thousand times,” Tina said. “We were at her college graduation and I’ve seen her become a teacher. I’m so proud of her for everything she’s done. We have almost sister-like relationship; she’s one of my best friends.

“And I do realize that this is not normal, that our friendship is exceptional. I never try to shove our story in people’s faces because they would never understand—they’d just think we’re weird. But Ruthie, she’ll never think this is a weird thing. It will always be very matter of fact. She’ll be like, ‘Sarah’s in my life, she’s always been in my life. She’s my birthmother, what’s the matter with that?’”

“I wish more birth moms would realize that there is more than one way to be a mom. Just because you’re not parenting the child, makes you no less of a birth mom. Birth moms should take pride knowing that their loss is for their child’s gain. It’s a beautiful thing.”